When the Darkness Becomes Too Much: Suicide Prevention

September is Suicide Prevention Month

It is a time to talk about something that many people still find incredibly difficult to talk about.

Suicide.

Even saying the word can make people uncomfortable. There is still so much stigma surrounding suicide and mental health, and too often, that stigma creates silence. People are afraid to speak. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of being misunderstood. Afraid of what others might think of them if they admit just how dark things have become.

I know this because I have experienced it myself. There have been times when I have felt shamed and silenced by people who lacked empathy and compassion. People who were quick to judge, rigid in their understanding, and unable to see beyond their own perception of what they believed someone should be feeling or thinking.

Sometimes, the people who should protect us are the very people who fail us the most. And when someone is already drowning in their own mind, being judged can make that darkness even deeper.

So, I want to share some things I have learned through lived experience. Not as an expert, nor as someone who has all the answers. But as someone who understands what it feels like to become completely lost inside your own thoughts.

It isn't about attention

One of the most damaging misconceptions surrounding suicidal thoughts is that someone is simply trying to get attention. Sometimes people may desperately need attention, but not because they want attention for attention's sake. They need someone to notice that they are drowning. When someone is deep in depression, their rational mind may no longer feel like it is in the driving seat. Psychological pain can become so overwhelming that it consumes almost everything else. They aren't necessarily thinking about how their words or actions will affect you.

They aren't trying to punish you.

They aren't making some calculated threat.

They are struggling to manage what is happening inside their own mind.

It is not personal to you

And sometimes, in that darkness, a person can genuinely begin to believe that they are a burden. That everyone would be better off without them. That their absence would somehow make life easier for the people around them.

Tell them that isn't true.

Tell them they matter.

Tell them you want them here.

Because although those devastating thoughts may feel completely true to them in that moment, they are symptoms of an overwhelmed mind, not facts.

A mental health symptom is not a character trait

This is something I wish more people understood. Mental illness can change the way we think, perceive ourselves and interpret the world around us. The thoughts that invade someone's mind during a period of severe depression can be frightening. They can be irrational, catastrophic and completely convincing. But having those thoughts does not make someone weak.

It does not make them selfish.

It does not make them manipulative.

It does not make them a bad person.

Everyone has a different story, and everyone's experience is different. And sometimes there doesn't have to be one huge, dramatic event that causes someone to reach breaking point. It can creep in slowly. You can wake up in the morning feeling relatively okay, and by evening find yourself drowning beneath thoughts you cannot seem to escape. One thought becomes another. Then another. And suddenly your mind has catastrophised everything.

The world feels impossible.

The future disappears.

And the darkness feels permanent.

So how do we help someone who is struggling?

Sometimes, we don't need to do anything extraordinary.

Just be there.

Sit beside them.

Stay with them.

Call them.

Send them a message.

Even a simple “I'm here. You don't have to talk. You don't have to explain anything. I'm not going anywhere” can mean more than you realise.

You don't have to fix them.

You don't need to have all the answers.

You don't need to find the perfect words.

And you certainly don't need to understand every part of what they are experiencing before you offer compassion. Sometimes the most important thing you can give someone is your presence. Listen without judgement.

Don't tell them to simply snap out of it.

Don't tell them they have so much to live for as though that should magically make the pain disappear.

Don't become angry because they have said something frightening.

And don't punish them for admitting that they are struggling. They already have enough pain inside them. They need support, not punishment.

Questions can sometimes feel overwhelming too. Someone who is already struggling to organise their thoughts may find a barrage of questions impossible to answer. Sometimes sitting quietly beside someone is more helpful than demanding an explanation.

This is not about you

This is perhaps the most difficult thing to understand. When someone is in a suicidal crisis, they are dealing with an internal psychological battle that can feel like a fight for their life. Their behaviour may not make sense to you. Their words may frighten you. You may feel angry, hurt, confused or helpless. Those feelings are real too. But try not to make their crisis about what they have done to you. Imagine shouting at someone because they are sick while they are receiving chemotherapy.

We understand that their illness is not a moral failing.

We understand that they didn't choose to become sick.

Mental health struggles deserve that same compassion.

Someone experiencing involuntary tics or vocal outbursts because of Tourette syndrome cannot simply decide to stop them because another person finds them uncomfortable. In the same way, someone experiencing severe psychological distress cannot always simply switch off the thoughts invading their mind. That doesn't mean we ignore risk or pretend everything is okay. It means we respond with compassion rather than shame.

We take them seriously.

We help them get support.

And we remind them that they don't have to face the darkness alone.

Let's start talking

We need to make conversations about suicide less frightening.

We need to remove the shame.

We need to stop treating mental illness as something that should be hidden behind closed doors.

Talking about suicide does not put the idea into someone's head. Sometimes, talking gives someone permission to finally say:

“I'm not okay.”

And perhaps that conversation becomes the thread that keeps them connected to life.

So let's ask the difficult questions.

Let's listen without judgement.

Let's replace anger with compassion.

Let's replace shame with understanding.

And let's remember that behind every statistic is a human being.

A person with a story.

A person with people who love them.

A person whose pain may have become bigger than their ability to carry it alone.

If you are struggling right now

If you are reading this while sitting in your own darkness, please hear me.

You are not a burden.

I know your mind may be telling you otherwise. I know those thoughts can feel convincing. But thoughts are not always truth. You don't have to solve your whole life tonight. You don't have to know what tomorrow looks like.

For now, just reach for someone. A trusted friend or family member...

Your doctor.

A counsellor.

A crisis service.

Anyone you trust enough to say, “I'm struggling and I need someone to stay with me.”

Please don't stay silent. There is always someone willing to listen. And if you are worried about someone else, reach out. Send the text. Make the call. Sit beside them. You don't have to have the answers. Just don't leave them alone with the belief that nobody cares.

To anyone who has lost someone to suicide, my heart goes out to you. And to anyone who has been affected by suicide in any way, whether through loss, surviving an attempt, supporting someone through crisis, or carrying your own private experience, I see you. Your pain matters too.

And to every person who sits beside someone in their darkest moments, who answers the phone in the middle of the night, who sends the message, who listens without judgement, who keeps showing up when they don't know what else to do, thank you. You may never fully know what your presence means to someone who is struggling.

Sometimes, simply knowing that someone is there can be the beginning of finding the way back.

Let's keep talking.

Let's keep listening.

Let's remove the fear.

Let's remove the shame.

Because none of us should have to suffer in silence. And sometimes, the smallest light can be enough to guide someone through the darkness.

By Rosie Morris

Don't stay silent. Reach out

If you are in immediate danger or believe you may act on suicidal thoughts, contact emergency services or a local crisis service now. In New Zealand, you can also contact 1737 by calling or texting for free, confidential support from a trained counsellor, or speak with your doctor or another trusted health professional.